Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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