There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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