New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
