Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
