i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
