He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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