It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
should my penis look like a turkey
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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