I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His hands were made for my vagina.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
