On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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