The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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