You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
