I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
