So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
