did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
