Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
