proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
