dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
