Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
