girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
