Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
