just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
