I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
