how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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