FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
