I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
