You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize