I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
