I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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