How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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