god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
