Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
