when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
