So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
