you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
