Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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