He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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