Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize