apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
