I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
