I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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