I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
