my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
