I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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