shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
