I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
