A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
