hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize