Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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