You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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