I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
