just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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