The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
