You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
