You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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