and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dick very happy bro
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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