Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize