i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
