is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
