he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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