No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
