i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
