Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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