I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
